Say something about gay babies.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
