I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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