So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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