if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
