so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
