She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
