just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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