Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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