Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
