If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
