Your dad touched me again.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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