found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
