There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
do herpes really smell.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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