Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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