Taylor Swift is so right about you.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
