Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
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