i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
