I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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