My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
