he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
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