Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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