my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
