He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Randomize
