you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
