Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
