Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
