I just threw up on my dentist
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
So much rum. So many feels.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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