i wish my penis had a tongue
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
