i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
