I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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