Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
