well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
