The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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