I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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