You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
