The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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