yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
