I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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