my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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