I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Please, let me fuck your mom
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
