im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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