watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
