I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Two words: blizzard sex
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
