Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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