My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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