Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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