I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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