i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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