My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
