I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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