There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Randomize
